The holidays have arrived, the cold weather has settled in, and the cuffing season is in full effect. Some of your girls are boo’d up, others are raising a family, and you have hobbies, art exhibits, and on some days, a lot of work to keep you busy. 

You might also find yourself becoming that one tia in the family—always fun and glammed up for any occasion. A few of your friends are available on particular days of the month to meet up if they (and you) are not too tired from work and life to hang out. Others, you’ve outgrown and distanced yourself from, as the friendship is no longer the same and best left for a past younger version of you. This awkward, beautiful, and eventful time in your life is one of your primes. This is your 30’s.

After turning 30 this past summer, I remember I imagined my life would’ve been different by now. I thought I’d already found a loving partner, been married, had my own place, possibly a child, and a graduate degree accomplished. I thought about the close family and friends who are no longer here or doing life with me today. 

These changes, dreams, and growing pains can bring a different type of grief this holiday season at the dinner table, leaving a bittersweet taste in my pumpkin pie. Yet, in the loss and what could have been, I can’t deny that the way my life unfolded has brought new opportunities and self-reflection into which I am leaning more. I’m thinking of other treinteañeras solteras feeling the same as we face our 30 (or more) trips around the sun, holding distinct experiences to name and honor. 

As we prepare to close out the year 2024, this is a love letter to us affirming our unique journeys with bravery, knowing how extraordinary it truly is to be here. 

Treintañeras Solteras Defined

We are the ones who spend as much time investing in our social and personal lives while keeping busy with projects, work, events, and solo traveling from time to time. We are the last sibling, cousin, and person in the friend group who is not in a relationship and perhaps not actively dating for periods of time. 

We are thriving and enjoying our lives here, yet for some of us, we do wonder just how long this single life might be around. On our hardest and toughest days, we might feel the weight of our singleness the most, wishing we had a person to do life with and lean on. We may even wonder how many more dreadful dates we still have left in us as we begrudgingly re-download dating apps only to be reminded why we deleted them in the first place. 

A Time for Self-Love

None of these sentiments signify a lack of self-love. In fact, we hold self-love in abundance. We know who TF we are, treating ourselves and giving ourselves all we need from deserts to pleasure and a night out, making it look real damn good too. 

Earlier this year, I remember doing this when I went to a crowded bar alone in a sexy black bodysuit, wearing winged eyeliner, lip liner, and my signature gold hoops. I took up an entire table for myself while small groups around me stood and stared as they waited for seating to open up. I smiled, holding my drink in hand, and swayed to the music from the vintage leather cushions that kept me comfortable. 

This was the first time I went to a bar alone after being challenged to do so by my therapist, and on this night, not one man approached me. I was nervous at first but eventually felt accomplished that I took myself out on a highly social and busy scene. Bartenders that night kept a close eye on me, making sure I was okay, and came to my booth often to refill my water. 

It may be uncommon to see women in bars alone on purpose in the city of Hollywood, yet the power, self-assurance, and presence we carry and bring to the table could be what scares the world the most. 

It was an experience worth trying because this solo night out eventually caused a ripple effect. I would go to art shows, museums, music, and film festivals, and trips out of town alone throughout the rest of the year, welcoming this into my routine. My mom got used to it, too, and would eventually stop asking me who I looked so good for every time I walked out our door.

Love With Friends 

I never want my single status to hinder any experience or thing I want to do, and today, I find that I am committed to myself more than before. I am learning more about what it means to enjoy and find peace in my own presence. It’s a beautiful thing to build romance within and with friends, too. 

In one of my favorite books, All About Love, author Bell Hooks talks about how the love we practice and cultivate in friendships is a strong foundation to teach us how to form relationships—whether in or out of a romantic partnership. 

Bell Hooks reminds us that “There is no special love exclusively reserved for romantic partners. Genuine love is the foundation of our engagement with ourselves, with family, with friends, with partners, with everyone we choose to love.” I use her words as a guide and blueprint to live by, and it has been so fruitful to practice genuine love with my girls and platonic friends in the times we get a chance to dine out, buy each other gifts, and send affirmational voice notes and messages to each other. Here, I experience the mutual love, tenderness, and care I long for, and here, I find myself being unable to settle for anything less.

Being Honest With Ourselves

I want to acknowledge that as a treinteañera soltera, my desire for a romantic partnership and intimacy is still present and real, too. These feelings are completely valid within my experience and do not diminish my independence and growth in self-love and mutual care. 

Instead, I seek to mirror and merge the forms of love I have learned together in all areas of my life so I can find deeper fulfillment and connection in friendships, partnerships, family, and close social circles. 

As a treintañera soltera, I am finding more opportunities to venture out and continue loving myself. I am also learning how to hold the wide range of emotions that might arise within. Here, all the powerful, awkward, daring, salty, beautiful, and longing coexist and have a place in my experience. This is a time to remind myself that there is nothing to lessen and change about me. It is also a time to embrace my vulnerabilities without shame. 

There is so much blooming, rebuilding, and discovery happening for treintañeras solteras. We look back at our 20s and reflect on how far we’ve come in knowing ourselves better and showing more compassion and love to our past and present versions. We are continuously starting over and living in a new wave of energy—vibrant and unashamed, with less cares to give and more time to invest in ourselves and the things and people we love. 

In all the cringe, “aha’s,” excitement, and growth happening all around, may we enter the new year grounded, aware, and affirmed in our fullness and unique journeys.

Heidi Elizabeth Lepe (she/her) is a proud “Chicana Central Americana” writer, theologian, and community advocate based in West Los Angeles. The daughter of a Catracha mother and Mexican father, Heidi embraces her dual heritage unapologetically, weaving her cultural roots into her work. As the founder of Brown Beloved Co., she is dedicated to uplifting the Latine community at the intersection of faith, cultural roots, and justice. Inspired by her immigrant upbringing, local leaders, and thinkers like Gloria Anzaldúa and Bell Hooks, Heidi writes with a focus on healing, liberation, and the flourishing of marginalized voices.

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