The very thing I believe is the number-one generational curse plaguing our communities is, ironically, something I (slightly!) struggle with myself. I’m on a mission to break my own generational curses and, in the spirit of community (because we could all use more of it these days), I want to share a bit about my journey and how we can all learn to put a little more emphasis on ourselves—because we deserve to… unless you’re just inherently selfish, in which case, maybe find a balance?

While doing the work, one question has been gnawing at my mind: Is this really a “curse,” or should we just call it what it is—trauma? “Generational curses” and “generational trauma” are pretty well connected because unhealed trauma passed down is a damn curse. And if you want to think about it in reverse, an unbroken generational curse passed down creates trauma! But if you put the work in, you can break the curse and unlock your own key to personal healing. Shall we explore?

What Is People-Pleasing, Really?

First, let’s set the record straight: What is people-pleasing? It’s essentially a pattern of behavior focused on making sure everyone else around you is comfortable, happy, fulfilled—insert your favorite positive adjective here. No matter how it manifests, the road always leads to you putting yourself last and the “people” first.

It can be a selfish concept because, ultimately, you’re doing it to get something out of it, right? Approval, happiness, or maybe a sense of control. My hot take? Most of the time, it’s an innocent pattern of behavior. But some folks definitely take advantage—quid pro quo, if you will: You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours, but I’ll take care of you first so I don’t have to deal with your discontent later.

Which category do you fall into? My guess is it’s probably the first. If so, great! Let’s keep going.

People-Pleasing and Guilt Go Hand in Hand

People-pleasing is directly tied to guilt—whether you’re trying to avoid feeling it or you’re driven by it. The emotional toll of guilt is heavy, honey. Trust me, I know. Letting guilt steer your decisions (so you can avoid conflict or disappointment from others) is a real pain.

For me, it shows up emotionally and physically. Clear skin? Gone. Anxiety breakouts? Hello! General exhaustion? I know her well. But let’s go back to the concept of generational curses. This behavior is passed down from our ancestors. It shows up in ideas like “this is what you do for family,” “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy,” or “I had this self-care day planned for weeks, but since [so-and-so] wants to hang out last minute, I guess I’ll just reschedule with myself.” Sound familiar?

It goes way beyond our nuclear families, but you can see how it shapes how we interact with others and, ultimately, ourselves.

The Systemic Side of People-Pleasing

And it’s not just about individuals—it’s systemic. As my dear friend Erin O’Rourke-Perez put it, we’ve been gaslit for generations into believing we aren’t necessary for things to succeed and should just be grateful for the experience instead of recognizing that we’re a pillar, and without us, companies (and whole systems) would crumble.

Before America was invaded by Europeans, Indigenous societies—whether in North America, the Caribbean, or beyond—had fully functioning structures. But Europeans disrupted them so severely that dependence became a survival mechanism. That conditioning never really stopped. Generations of being thankful just to have work—because of trauma—and here we are.

My Own People-Pleasing Journey

I used to judge people-pleasers for going so far out of their way to make everyone else comfortable—always putting themselves last—until I realized I was one of those people, too.

Actually, my therapist had to break the news, and when I tell you I was aghast… because not me! How? Where?

One of my biggest issues was (and sometimes still is) boundaries: making them, keeping them, and reminding others when they’ve crossed them. The closer you are to me, the fewer boundaries there used to be. Setting boundaries sucks. I used to feel like if I said “no” too often, I’d miss out on opportunities or people would think I’m a bitch. Isn’t that something? Putting myself first felt mean, like I was doing something wrong. So I kept trying to figure out the friendliest way to set boundaries, but sometimes you just can’t—and that’s okay!

Why Setting Boundaries Matters

Case in point: My time to unwind is sacred. I don’t answer phone calls after 10 p.m. because:

  1. Why are you calling that late if it’s not an emergency?
  2. Would you call your married friend or relative just to shoot the breeze at that hour?
  3. I simply don’t want to be bothered that late.

That third one sounds mean, right? It’s not. People make fun of me for falling asleep early, and even when I clearly set this boundary, some folks just can’t respect it. So, what did I do? I have an Android (yes, Apple snobs, stay with me) that lets me create a routine where all notifications shut down at a certain time, and social media access is blocked so I can truly disconnect.

Are people mad? Maybe. Should I care? Look, how you feel about my boundaries is not my problem. I got tired of explaining myself to people who couldn’t care less about what I needed. Respect goes both ways, and once my peace was disturbed, I drew the line.

People-pleasing shows up in everyday scenarios: family gatherings, group dinners, social obligations, and even random situations you wouldn’t suspect. Too tired to do something? You do it anyway because “who else is gonna do it?” Feel obligated to attend a family event with that problematic aunt because you’d rather suck it up for a few hours to keep Mom happy? Loan a friend money because otherwise, where are they going to get it? It’s all guilt-driven, people-pleasing behavior.

And It Bears Mentioning: Guilt Trips Are Wild

My parents used them to keep me around for every holiday and birthday. Totally normal, but the nuance was that my mom would get upset if I tried to limit our time together for friends. To please everyone, I’d lie or cancel on someone, and it was never my parents. 

Next, the desire to feel wanted or needed. I used to pride myself on being the person everyone needed. That meant I was included, not forgotten. I didn’t “lose out” on any “opportunities” (whatever that even meant). I connected “please need me” with “if they need me, they love me,” and “if they love me, they’ll stick around.” My people-pleasing patterns even bled into the workplace. In my early twenties, I worked in a high-stress, toxic environment, trying to please everyone. I took on more work without proper compensation, was deeply unhappy, and found any excuse for a liquid lunch or multiple happy hours each week. That spiraled into borderline functioning alcoholism. (We’re better now, don’t worry.) 

Let’s look at a less extreme example we’ve all probably faced at some point: group dinners. You decide to go despite your tight budget. You order exactly what you can afford, but when the bill comes, everyone piles in their cards like we’re all splitting it equally. Suddenly, you’re paying for someone else’s Wagyu steak and three twenty-dollar espresso martinis when you only had a Caesar salad and sparkling water. Maybe you move money from savings to checking—a people-pleasing move. Or maybe you brave the stares and passive-aggressive texts when you grab the receipt and figure out exactly what you owe—boundaries. (And I’m proud of you!) 

Breaking the Cycle: Year of No

In 2015, Shonda Rhimes’s Year of Yes was all the rage. The next year, I decided it was my year of “no.” Everyone got a “no.” It helped me break the cycle (and the curse), but after a full year of telling people no, I realized I needed more balance.

Boundaries are the direct answer to breaking the generational curse of people-pleasing. At first, setting and maintaining them feels uncomfortable, selfish, and maybe even icky. But once you start putting yourself first, you’ll see who’s really there for you and who’s invested in a two-way relationship. The goal is a healthier relationship with yourself.

It’s also taught me how to communicate effectively in every part of my life—especially with family. (Yes, that includes calling out Titis and abuelas for commenting on your weight when they have no business doing so.) 

The Takeaway: You Come First

Mastering your people-pleasing triggers is about creating a safe space for yourself. Doesn’t that sound nice? It’ll feel even better. Breaking generational trauma isn’t easy, but the freedom from stepping out of the people-pleasing cycle is worth it. You are worth it.

So as you reflect on how people-pleasing shows up for you and how you plan to tackle it, remember: Protecting your peace and energy is the priority. If you’ve been putting yourself second just to please others, now’s the time to stop.

Jenni Ruiza is a Bronx-based comedic actress, writer, singer, and producer. She began her professional career in 2011 when she signed on as a writer and featured player for the sketch comedy show “Ay Que Funny” created by comedian Jesenia. Jenni has since gained credits as co-writer/producer for the hit web series, “Becoming Ricardo,” performing musical improv with The LocoMotives around NYC, and as a regular commentator for ABC Fusion’s “Come Here and Say That” and Buzzfeed’s “That Literally Happened.” Jenni continues to gain credits in film, digital media, and commercials. The kind of content that resonates deeply with Jenni explores mental health, grief, and self-inflicted toxicity by way of intergenerational trauma—all grounded in humor. You can find Jenni in the upcoming films, “Playing Sam” and “Honey” and on HBO’s “Fantasmas” with Julio Torres.

Tags:

Share this Story