Why Do We Stay? The Hidden Addiction to Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships often feel like a trap—an endless cycle of hope, heartbreak, and despair. If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why can’t I just leave?” or “Why do I keep going back?” you’re not alone. Understanding the psychology behind this pattern is the first step toward breaking free and rewriting your love story.
I personally experienced a nightmare abusive relationship with an ex that lasted over two years because I didn’t know how to escape the toxic loop. Trust me when I tell you—I get it. That’s why I decided to become an expert in studying addiction and narcissistic behavior. I never wanted to be in the same situation again, and I wanted to help other women escape these nightmare scenarios. My mantra became, “Never again!”
But here’s the good news: You can break free from toxic relationships and create a new pattern for healthy love.
Why People Become Addicted to Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships often create a cocktail of emotional, psychological, and even biochemical factors that feel as addictive as any substance. Here’s why:
1. The Cycle of Abuse
Abusive relationships often follow a predictable pattern: tension, explosion, and reconciliation. During the reconciliation phase, abusers shower their partners with love, creating a “high” that becomes hard to resist. This is called “love bombing”—a manipulator’s tactic of overwhelming you with affection and gifts, making you forgive their cruelty or control, even if they’re mean or manipulative 80-90% of the time.
2. Intermittent Reinforcement
The unpredictability of affection and abuse mimics the reward system in gambling. Psychologist B.F. Skinner found that intermittent rewards—like the “good days” in an abusive relationship—create the strongest attachments.
3. Low Self-Worth
Many people in abusive relationships struggle with self-esteem, often exacerbated by the abuser’s manipulative tactics. They may believe they don’t deserve better.
This hit my ego hard. At the time, I couldn’t accept that I had low self-worth. My career was starting to gain traction, and I thought I had high self-esteem. But now, I see that my professional confidence had nothing to do with my romantic patterns. I had to educate myself and admit that I was struggling.
4. Trauma Bonding
Coined by Dr. Patrick Carnes, trauma bonding describes the intense emotional attachment that forms through cycles of abuse and reward. Victims often associate the abuser with comfort and relief, despite the pain they cause.
I bonded HARD with my toxic ex. A decade later, I can dissect everything that happened, but at the time, I thought it was love. It wasn’t—it was control.
5. Learned Helplessness
Developed by psychologist Martin Seligman, learned helplessness occurs when someone believes they can’t change their situation, even when opportunities to leave exist.
This was me. My toxic ex held me captive by hiding my car keys and locking me out of my storage unit. Even when I had chances to leave, my brain wouldn’t let me. I was emotionally stuck.
6. Cultural or Family Conditioning
If you grew up in an environment where love was conditional or abusive, you might unconsciously equate pain with love.
My mother was very critical of me growing up—she still is. Nothing I did was ever good enough. I tried so hard to earn her love and validation, but I failed every time. This pattern continued in my romantic relationships.
7. Fear of the Unknown
Abusers often isolate their victims, making the idea of starting over feel terrifying.
My ex mastered this. He kept telling me that no one would ever love me like he did and isolated me from my family and friends. No one knew what was happening “behind closed doors.” My ex was a respected keynote speaker on mindset, and I was his “trophy girlfriend.” People told me how lucky I was, not knowing I had spent the morning sobbing because he accused me of disrespecting him by thanking a barista and looking her in the eyes.
How to Rewire Belief Structures and Break Free For Abusive Relationships
Healing from an abusive relationship requires more than leaving—it’s about rebuilding your internal world. Without healing, the same patterns will likely repeat. Here’s how to start:
1. Acknowledge the Pattern
Recognize that your relationship follows a cycle of abuse. Journaling or working with a therapist can help you identify these patterns.
2. Reclaim Your Worth
Abusers erode self-worth. Start with daily affirmations:
• “I am worthy of healthy love.”
• “I deserve respect and kindness.”
3. Practice Boundaries
Set firm boundaries with the abuser or others who drain your energy. Boundaries communicate that you value yourself.
4. Rewrite Your Love Blueprint
Replace subconscious beliefs about love with empowering ones:
• Instead of “Love is painful,” believe “Love is safe and joyful.”
• Instead of “I have to earn love,” believe “I am lovable as I am.”
5. Clear Old Wounds
Trauma lives in the body as much as the mind. Somatic therapy, yoga, or guided meditations can help release it.
6. Rewire Your Brain
Use techniques like Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) to reframe beliefs. Superconscious Recodes help reset love triggers. And affirmations to replace old narratives with empowering ones.
7. Build a Support Network
Isolation keeps you stuck. Connect with loved ones or support groups to remind you of your worth.
8. Focus on Your Future
Visualize the relationship you want. Write it as a declaration:
• “I am attracting a partner who cherishes me and respects me.”
• “I am choosing a life filled with love, peace, and passion.”
9. Seek Professional Help
Coaching, therapy, or support groups can provide the tools you need to heal.
My Story: From Trauma to Transformation
At 25, I walked away from someone who controlled every aspect of my life, leaving me financially and emotionally bankrupt. But leaving was just the first step.
I rebuilt myself through coaching, meditation, and support from loved ones. Today, I’m living proof that freedom from abuse is possible—and so is soulmate love.
Breaking free isn’t about fixing yourself—it’s about releasing what doesn’t serve you. Remember, patterns can change. Neuroplasticity—the brain’s ability to adapt and grow—proves that healing is possible.
You don’t have to walk this journey alone. Healthy love is your birthright. You are loved, seen. You matter.
Emmy Hernandez is The Executive Woman’s Soulmate Strategist, uniquely bridging science and spirit to help successful women find extraordinary love. Through her innovative approach that combines cutting-edge relationship research with intuitive wisdom, she has helped countless high-achieving women create deeply fulfilling relationships without sacrificing their professional success.
